The One Where I Go Home

Right. So, my midgets are back home where they belong, and so am I. I left M yesterday knowing it would be difficult to be alone again. I almost thought, back to reality, but that wouldn't be true. While I've been there we have just been living our lives. He's been going to work and I have been doing house things and reading and doing the shopping. All that is left is for me to learn how to cook and I will be a domestic goddess!

I thought back over the week and noticed that we spent lots of time together as well as lots of time doing our own things. I was left alone to read and go out, and he did his work and spent time with his kids. The puppy and I hung out and I think we we have reached an understanding.

After I told M the other day that I missed him, he brought it up. He was fucking me and he asked what it was that I missed. I told him it was his presence. I may be imagining it but it felt like my thoughts travelled into his brain and he knew what I meant. He'd grabbed my hair and gotten all dommy on me. I felt safe and wanted. Submitting to him is the sweetest surrender. 

The thought pushing is funny that way. It certainly wasn't the first time it had happened. I have often felt things and wanted him to say something or to reassure me or to do something, and he has moved instinctively to meet my thought. 

I missed cuddling up to him last night. The smell of him is absent. Sigh...

Switching to a more unpleasant topic...

Yesterday I was told something that made me quite annoyed with my ex. That, of course, led to a trail of other exes that I am annoyed with. I spoke to M about it. That man is so patient. He said he understood entirely. He also reminded me that the actions of others are beyond our control. He's so right. I made him promise that if she ever contacted him again, that he would tell me immediately. I think he heard in my voice that I really meant it. He said we should focus on the two of us and how well we are relating, and on how wonderful that is. I did a little flip out after I agreed and said that if she kept pissing me off that I would sort her out with an email...

And today I am home with my babies and chillaxing. I opened my eyes and reached for my phone to text my lover, and the phone rang in my hand. He called to say good morning :) How's that for timing :)

The One With The Whinging

I am quite sick and tired of that crazy stalker ex of M's. She goes off her nut at him, calling, texting, emailing - constantly. She is relentless. She really is. Then after all the crazy behaviour, she says she loves him and that she's sorry for the way she has behaved.

I understand being upset for your relationship ending etcetera but how long is she going to continue this madness?? It has been many months that they have been apart and I have been with him for all of that time, bar one month. I know it is difficult to move on sometimes, but for fuck sake!

She must realise that she is interfering. She must know that her contact is annoying. Why does she persist? She knows they won't get back together. She knows he has moved on. She knows that I am in his life.

I had been quite annoyed with him for allowing her to keep doing this. We had a conversation about it. I was very upset at the time and considered leaving him. But there is no point to that. We love each other and there is nothing going on between the two of them, except her nutty behaviour.

As usual, I allowed him to decide for himself what he would do. He agreed that deleting all of her attempts of contact was best now. I would have preferred that he did this a long time ago, but he needs to make his own decisions about what is best for him, and for us. I'm glad that he chose this path though.

I don't want to feel insecure because of her continued interference. I don't want to nag him into doing what I want. But damn, I really want her to drop off the face of the earth...

The One Where I Consider Therapy

Hmmm, not so much that I am considering therapy as much as I am avoiding it. It is undisputed that I require therapy to help me deal with my issues, but I seem to be putting it off. I'm not sure what that is a sign of, but it makes me feel rather pathetic and weak that I am afraid to share my woes.

I recently acknowledged that the time had definitely come for me to spill the repressed beans to a therapist, and I was recommended someone by my psychiatrist. For some reason, the more I think about going, the more I feel like I am whinging about my poor life. I feel like I should be able to man-up and get my shit together on my own.

I want to be well enough to raise my children without fear of becoming my mother, or worse, my father. I shelter them because I was never sheltered from the bad things in the world. There's a revelation! It had never occurred to me before...

Must consider further...

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Discussed this thought with M. He doesn't agree with it. He said it was natural for me to want to protect my children. He said he doesn't think I'm mollycoddling them at all. But I still think that I have been shielding them from things. I believe I am over-protective but I think I do it because I want them to be children and I think they can live without extra drama.

+++

Have thought about this morning for a while now. I told M that I missed him. He didn't understand at first. I simply explained that while I have been here with him for all this time, that sometimes in the every day kerfuffle of life, those "still" moments where we look into each other can be pushed aside for the extra sleep that is required, or the tummy ache, or whatever. But it was nice to just "be" for those precious few minutes this morning.

The sun is trying to shine through the clouds and that makes me smile :)

+++

Crazy stalker person really needs to get a life...

The One With The Eggs

M was quite angry and depressed last night. Financial and legal issues tend to play on his mind. He seems to be unable to think of much else when he is in one of his moods. So all of this combined with a bottle of wine led to his having a shit of a night where he was up at 3am doing nothing much.

Smoochies and a goodbye this morning and then I stayed in bed and had a lovely orgasm while he was leaving. I took a shower and headed off to the cafe for some eggs and I took Stephen Fry with me. He's so addictive.

The past couple of days I have been craving M's dominance. It's not that he doesn't exert it every day, just that some days, life gets in the way and it can be easy to forget that first and foremost, I am his slave. His girl. His subbie. And he, being my master, has a special role to fulfil. Things can sometimes get confusing if I am only focussing on being his girlfriend or his lover. But we had decided early on that we are who we are and things should be permitted to take on their own form and in their own time.

My general belief was always that my purpose was to please my master, which happily coincided with my sexual desires. Not that submission for me is about sex. In fact, it never has been. Perhaps I'm not being clear... Once I realised that I was not interested in kinky sex, I began to explore what I did want. The want showed itself to be a need in some ways also. I needed to be with someone who understood that I am a slave. My mind set is such. My desire to please my partner far outweighs any other desire I may have.

I want to give myself entirely to another person. I want to make him happy in whatever way would please him. And I guess that I am still doing those things. Cleaning and tidying up ties into that. I think to myself, What would M want?, and I act accordingly. I tend not to initiate sex because for the most part, it means very little to me. If he chooses to use me by rubbing up against me, if he chooses to remove my panties, if he chooses to have me stay in bed whilst he does other things, if he chooses to whip me - These things aren't necessarily sexual but they are ways that he chooses to express his dominance.

I feel as though I have little purpose at the moment. This week has been a lazy week. I've tried to get myself moving and do productive things. I've cleaned, I've shopped, I've helped with the cooking (though I have zero amounts of skill), I've taken puppy out, I've read a lot. I guess I'm used to doing mummy things also.

If I am ill-content it is because I see in myself a lack of purpose right now, not because of anything anyone else is neglecting to do or say. Perhaps I am projecting again...

The One Where I Sleep In

I woke up as he was waking up and getting out of bed for work this morning. He seemed annoyed that he was waking me up again and wanted me to go back to sleep. Like a good girl, I obeyed. And now I seem to have over slept.

Taking my meds later means I get it together later. My body was sore and tired. My back was aching. I think perhaps I was restless last night but I can't remember. I feel dopey. Also, I like getting up with him in the morning and seeing him off to work. I guess he's used to being alone and quiet in the mornings. I'm not. I typically have a midget or two jump into bed with me early on which precedes the making of lunches and packing of school bags etcetera.

This, of course, is because I am not working at the moment. The reasons for this are numerous. The thought of ending up in another backward hillbilly school full of the same ignorant fuck tards terrifies me. I think of having to place the midgets into OOSH and I feel awful. Another reason is that I am not sure that I am ready for the strain of a job. I know the meds are working a bit better now, and that part of the headache of that other job was that M and I were going through our yucky patch. Perhaps it would be different now. I do miss teaching. Ideally, I could find a job share a few days rather than the full week.

And a phone call from my man, and the promise of a visit this morning has made the sun shine. My plans today involve my affair with Stephen Fry and taking M's doggy to the park for a frolic.

It's amazing how I can perk up at the sound of my man's voice. He said he likes waking up next to me but that it's silly for me to get up with him when I'm still drifting in and out of sleep. He said he could tell by the snoring :S Must do something about that... LOL

The One Where I Wake Up Happy

This morning was one of those rare days where I woke up and everything felt in its place. I woke up with my lover. I spoke to my children. I had a good coffee. The kitchen was not in need of cleaning. I finished reading my book. I had a phone call from my gorgeous man which made me smile. I had a wonderful orgasm thinking of him the night before...

I'm not sure exactly what happened but he put his hands over my ears while he was fucking me and I could hear myself breathing. My heart was pumping loudly. My eyes were open and I was losing myself in his eyes. Then he mouthed "Come for me" and I could hear nothing and I allowed my body to do as he willed. It is not that I do not come on command- I always have - but that for the first time, I didn't hear the words which make come.

So today, I went out and bought some new books to read, had coffee and cake, and spent the afternoon absorbed in the world of the author.

Later, I took my Master into my mouth and felt him shudder, his moan escaping from his lips.

It was just one of those gloriously peaceful days. They come around so rarely for me. Knowing that I will be in bed soon with M makes me look forward to the day coming to a close.

The One When We Were Both Grumpy

Last week was a strange one. With kids going back to school, I wondered whether I had made a mistake deciding not to work this term. I missed the first few days with a brand new group of kindy kids beginning big school.

My midgets were also taking a trip overseas with the other parental unit so my anxiety was ruling my life. That combined with M's crazy stalker ex made sure my week was a pain in my arse. By Friday, I had said good bye to my babies and headed over to M's for the weekend. I'm still there.

The nut job has been calling and texting. He's doing his best to ignore her but he's so gentle that I know she has upset him. It would be so nice if she realised she has her own life to live and left him the hell alone. I know he is mine but she is causing unnecessary grief in our lives. It's such an intrusion. So he was grumpy and wasn't feeling well.

Saturday, we went out to a film and hit the town for a little while in search of a latin band. No luck, but a nice night nonetheless. Coming home, I thought he was too tired to fuck me, but off came his belt and he alternated belting with torturing me with Mr Spikey. I was lost in myself until my contact lens shifted and I had to stop to fix it. It took a while to fight through the tears and get my legs working well enough to carry me to the bathroom to sort out the problem.

During the night, I was sad and couldn't seem to stop crying. We had a talk about it and when things were sorted, we agreed that we should try to be careful of feeding off each other when we are grumpy.

By Sunday we needed a change of pace to shift our moods. Two grumps don't make a right. Food and coffee and the doggy park helped. The sun was shining for a change and we decided to enjoy it by hiring a canoe. By the time we got there, we were pleasantly stoned. My rowing combined with the smoke made us giggle. We laughed our arses off the rest of the day. More smoke after dinner, a doco and bed. While we were fucking I was having the most intense feelings. I could feel his primal nature in every touch, every thrust, every word. He was so fucking sexy.

I spent Monday reading and tidying up a bit. I went out for a little while to try and forget that I didn't need to pick up the midgets from school. We spent a quiet evening with his two lovely kids and went to bed early.

Last night, he seemed exhausted so I played with him a little before climbing on top of him and fucking him gently while he held my nipple between his teeth. I have grown unaccustomed to being on top, and it kind of felt like maybe I shouldn't be up there. He seemed to like the change but rolled on top of me eventually. Anyway, I was woken last night with M pushing himself inside me. We fell asleep again while he still was.  This morning, he woke me again, climbing on top of me. He ended up being late for work :) Bad man.

And by the time it was 9am, I'd cleaned the kitchen, the floors and the bathroom and done some washing. Scrubbing things always makes me feel a bit better.

I think that my meds are working quite well at the moment so I am happy about that. I contemplated going home in case I was getting on everyone's nerves with all the fussing about, but M seemed to think that was silly idea. I've made it clear to his kids that they should feel free to tell me to go home but they seem to think that I should stay as long as their dad wanted me around. Apparently, they like me :) So that is another reason to feel happy.

Not sure what to do with myself today...