The One Where I Consider Therapy

Hmmm, not so much that I am considering therapy as much as I am avoiding it. It is undisputed that I require therapy to help me deal with my issues, but I seem to be putting it off. I'm not sure what that is a sign of, but it makes me feel rather pathetic and weak that I am afraid to share my woes.

I recently acknowledged that the time had definitely come for me to spill the repressed beans to a therapist, and I was recommended someone by my psychiatrist. For some reason, the more I think about going, the more I feel like I am whinging about my poor life. I feel like I should be able to man-up and get my shit together on my own.

I want to be well enough to raise my children without fear of becoming my mother, or worse, my father. I shelter them because I was never sheltered from the bad things in the world. There's a revelation! It had never occurred to me before...

Must consider further...

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Discussed this thought with M. He doesn't agree with it. He said it was natural for me to want to protect my children. He said he doesn't think I'm mollycoddling them at all. But I still think that I have been shielding them from things. I believe I am over-protective but I think I do it because I want them to be children and I think they can live without extra drama.

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Have thought about this morning for a while now. I told M that I missed him. He didn't understand at first. I simply explained that while I have been here with him for all this time, that sometimes in the every day kerfuffle of life, those "still" moments where we look into each other can be pushed aside for the extra sleep that is required, or the tummy ache, or whatever. But it was nice to just "be" for those precious few minutes this morning.

The sun is trying to shine through the clouds and that makes me smile :)

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Crazy stalker person really needs to get a life...